I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
