I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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