Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
