I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
