Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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