Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
