I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
