I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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