This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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