theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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