He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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