He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Are we still banned from the library?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
