I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
