Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
