i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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