he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
