Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
