Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
