Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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