Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
