I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
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