I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize