how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
