I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
