I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
