Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
