My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
