Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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