my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
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In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
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I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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