census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Randomize
