I'm lost and stupid without you.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
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Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
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Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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