My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
