Me too!
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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