he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
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I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
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