Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
