this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
They have beer where we have blood.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
