i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Randomize
