dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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