her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
