Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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