i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
