We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
