shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
