I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
