Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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