My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
