Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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