her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...