Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Guys Hate When Girls Do These 29 Cringeworthy Things
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.