I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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