Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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