i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
