I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
